I have been thinking a lot about death lately. Sunday I went to see a lady who is in her last days and last night found out my neighbor had a heart attack. He may or may not make it. It seems we all are headed in that direction though we do not feel like it will ever happen to us.
Life is frail but at the same time we are fearfully and wonderfully made.
I stand here today writing this at the church knowing that one day I will no longer be the one pastoring the group of people who will be here then. Its hard to believe that this life isn’t everlasting but I know it isn’t. One day I will be the one laying in a bed gasping for breath while my family and friends watch me waste away. Though I know I will be going into eternity to be with Jesus, I really do not want to experience those last days. Death however is unavoidable.
Right now I want to think in terms of how great heaven will be, how exciting it will be to see God and how awesome it will be to live in a situation where death is no longer an option. But to be honest its hard to get past the reality of this shadow of death that is in my future, that gets closer with every breath I take. It doesn’t make me feel all that well…
its sad really.
As a pastor sometimes the weight of it all just begins to get to me. The funerals, the surgeries, and the sicknesses. It is not just your family that you have to walk through these things with, its everyones. After a while it becomes hard to bear.
I am by nature a person who wants to be positive. I desire a life without drama, pain and death.
Its good though to write about it. To think it through. Already I am feeling better though the emotions that compelled me to write this are still present. The reality is Jesus has something planed for us that is far better than what we are living through right now. He has a place that when we get there will blow our minds. We will feel better than we have ever felt, have more energy than we have ever had and joy will be our song. Instead of wanting that day delayed, once we get there we will wonder why God left us in our previous existence as long as he did. Though I can type those words and I believe them I still have trouble comprehending it all.
But that’s ok
I have faith
and though I am looking at death 3minutes from now or 60 years or more from now, I know I will not be alone when that time comes. For Jesus will be with me in that moment to escort me into the next and there is comfort in that thought.
Of course the above rant is what is expected in a post like this. The words however are far from magical. Feelings are not merely turning to joy because I believe every word that is stated above. Right now they are truths of faith while the struggle still lingers. Somethings are just not going to be fun. They are going to be hard, for me and for others around me. Am I thankful Jesus is with me? Yes, of course but He isn’t magically making it all a celebration. The pain is still here, and the burdens are just as heavy as they always have been.
I’m just not alone… He’s crying with me.
His presence is giving me the support I need. I would not make it if he wasn’t with me lifting most of this load.
Of course maybe all I need is sleep… that could be true too.